End of lesson vid

Date: 30th Sep 2016 @ 1:37pm

Watch the video and write a description about the unusual man. Make sure that there is always an essence of mystery in your writing. Think about the sentence types that you have already used today and try to include others.

 

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Jake and India🐶 wrote:

A strange,creepy man with a bandana,went into a car the man looked at his eyes then crash.but the creepy man was still alive stood by the edge of the clif,eating for his next victim.

Rebecca wrote:

Write a bigger paragraph next time and I rely like the embedded relative clause and the onamaterpear

Mr Loftus wrote:

Open a sentence with a subordinating conjunction.

Grace wrote:

I liked you embedded relative clause but try and explain more and describe more like describe the creepy man.Where where you going to take the man? Was he acting weird and why.

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Esme and Charlotte wrote:

A mysterious man,who had a red neckchief around the bottom part of his face, and on his eye were very shiny goggles . Soon he stuck his thumb out and a man stopped in a car for him.

Concerned,the man in the car asked, "Are you alright?" There was no answer from the strange man. The person in the car offered him a ride to the train station. He got into the car. He asked " Was that your car?" Silence fell upon the two men the stranger checked his watch. The man repeated "Are you alright?" He turned his head slowly to the man. The weird man looked into the mans eyes and terrorfyingly he teleported out of the car and let the other man die....

wrote:

I love the embedded relative clause that you used and I love the fronted adverbial

Matthew J & Millie wrote:

Brilliant Esm'e and Charlotte i liked the way you used two paragraphs I love the detail as well very interesting you could use an embedded relieve claws like the person in the car,who was terrified ,offered him a ride to the train station.

Poppy and Ava wrote:

Try and use a simile e.g. The weird man looked into his eyes like a cat getting ready to pounce on his prey.

The ellipsis at the end made the story very eerie.

Grace wrote:

I like the ellipsis marks at the end but you have spelt terrorfyingly wrong it should be this : terrifyingly

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Emily wrote:

I met this Man, while driving through the sandy,old Savannah.He was mysterious and was kneeling beside a tipped over black car he looked Upset so I called him over "are you alright?" I said his scarf was Waving at me instead of his hand.He said nothing."are you sure your ok?".silence.
"There is a station up the road I'll take you there"
He got in the car without saying anything.I looked into is motorcycle glasses and that's all I remember it was very confusing and the man got out with a thumbs up.
What a StRaNgE Day!!

Esme and Charlotte wrote:

You need a capital letter for "silence"

But great work! :)

Sara wrote:

Good job Emily but upset doesn't need a capital in the middle of a sentence and strange isn't StRaNgE it is strange

Good personification (His scarf was waving at me)

Amber and Grace wrote:

I like how you wrote his scarf was waving at me instead of his hand because it makes the paragraph more exciting.

Rocco wrote:

I liked your personification (the scarf was waving at me)you could of used more sentence types like onamatipere ,similes and metaphors but over than that spot on.

Grace wrote:

You could of explained when they fell of the cliff because just saying the man got out putting thumbs up doesn't make sense because the driver was falling down the cliff in the car so how would he know when he was half way down the cliff.

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Luke wrote:

I'm driving through a furious,hot desert and suddenly I saw a strange man standing on the side of the road.I think he crashed his black,small car so I asked him do you want me to take you to the station...Silence by this strange man so I politely asked him again. He took three long steps and came into my car.So when he came into my car I asked a couple of questions like was you inside that car or did you jump out in time...Silence again.I was feeling a bit weird because this man might be from the death mountains of hell.He looked at me I looked at him it was like a staring contest but I looked very closely into his goggles and I seen a CRASH so I panicked NOOOoooo now this strange man was luring for his next victim.

Harry wrote:

You could use a better word for small and if you use more expanded noun frase

Sara wrote:

Great work I love the ellipsis marks

You need speak marks when the man in the car is talking to the masked man.

Grace wrote:

You should of put : he looked at me and I looked at him it was like a staring contest but I looked very closely into his goggles and I SAW a crash not I seen a crash it's I saw a crash. But apart from that it was brilliant

Well done

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Bella Alisha wrote:

Whilst this mysterious man was standing next to a wheel to the silver car. This mysterious man has this scarf around it was like soft mayoral floted in the water. The man put his tumb out and the person that was driving stopped and let the man in the car. He said there is a Station and if they wen slowly across the bumpy road. And as the man look in to the mysterious glasses and then the BOOM!and the car was at the bottom of the cliff. But the man was still alive...😱

Emily and Ben wrote:

We love the simile you used and al the adjetives as well. Great punctuation.

wrote:

You put the word mysterious twice. At the end of Boom you need a capital letter for the word "and"

Ellie wrote:

I like your work becauseit is because it is interesting

Ella and Michael wrote:

We think you could put personification like the scarf was flowing like an airplane soring though the sky.

Stanley & Tom wrote:

We love your onamatapeir and we liked the alipsis marks too.

It would be nice if you used an embedded relative clause e.g The mysterious man, who had bubble like goggles, climbed into the other man's car.

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Bella Alisha wrote:

Whilst this mysterious man was standing next to a wheel to the silver car. This mysterious man has this scarf around it was like soft mayoral floted in the water. The man put his tumb out and the person that was driving stopped and let the man in the car. He said there is a Station and if they wen slowly across the bumpy road. And as the man look in to the mysterious glasses and then the BOOM!and the car was at the bottom of the cliff. But the man was still alive...😱

Bella Alisha wrote:

Sorry we did it wrong it was meant to say soft silky material

Grace and Amber wrote:

You could of put personification in the text something like his bright red scarf was waving at me.

Mr L wrote:

Open a sentence with an adverb.

Read your first sentence again because you have only included a subordinate clause. You need to also include the main clause in the sentence

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Harry wrote:

Beacause there was a man at the side of the road,he was standing still. With his scarth wathing at me. I said "do you want a lift to the gas station" But the was no reply and then he got in.but then I looket into his goggles .and I saw my car crashing allofasuden I CRASHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Sara wrote:

I think that crash only needs one H and an explanation mark but very good

Very good! Starting with a subordinating conjunction.

Emily wrote:

I love the CRASHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
I think you could improve by putting the English Term Like Peteol station not gass station

Luke wrote:

Harry wonderful work I like that his scarf is warthing at me and great punctuation in your work.

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Michael wrote:

There was a man stood in the middle of no where no one to help him then a man in a old car came to see if he was ok.He offered him to go in the car with him. He waited for ten seconds. Then he hopped in the car.He started asking if he was ok.After that he pulled out a golden watch while the man wasn't watching.The man looked into his goggles and he saw he was about to fall of the cliff.The man who offered the man with goggles was fine.

Me Loftus wrote:

Open a sentence with a subordinating conjunction.

wrote:

You could of put a simile in there put apart from that it was really good and also a bit too personification.

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Rebecca wrote:

CRASH! Crashing into a rock getting out of the car and being fine.Slowly coming round the corner a car.'' Hi " "are you ok"

No reply

"I am going to the pyramids are you trying to get there come on in" he drove away in silence.

" Are you sure you are ok"" where you in that car"

No reply

Quickly looking into his eyes and seeing his car crashing. Tumbling down and down... BOOM the mysterious man came out of the car the other man, who was very curious, was never to be seen again. Quickly coming round the corona another car. The mytirous man however put his thumbs up for a sign for the driver now thing are really working for him.

Amber and Grace wrote:

I like how you turned it into ancient Egypt style.

Mr Loftus wrote:

Check how you have punctuated your speech.

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Jake and India🐶 wrote:

A strange creepy man with a red bandana,went into a mans car the man looked at the creepy guy and suddenly crash the creepy guy was still alive...

Ella and Michael wrote:

You can write a little more next time.

Put a bit more adverbs. It is nice good job.

Matthew B Ronnie wrote:

Nice one Jake and India maybe put in a embbed relative clause

Rocco wrote:

You could add a few more sentence types such as smiles for example the mysterious man was as creepy as a sinister beast lurking in the shadows.

Emily wrote:

Try to make it a little bit longer I read this in 10 seconds
Put a commar in between strange and creepy
Also try putting a smile eg The strange man that was as creepy as a doll in a haunted house.
Also try a little bit of Personification eg His scarf was waving at me instead of his hand
Fantastic job though;)

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Amber and Grace wrote:

Carefully, the man spins the rusty,old car wheel. The car, that was destroyed, lay on the ground. Creepily, the man pulled his hand out to stop a car from driving. A man stopped the car and asked if the creepy man wanted to jump in. Scared, the driver's heart pumped faster than you can imagine. The man, that had goggles and a bandanna, got in the cool, dirty car. It was like the man's bright , red scarf was waving at me in the wind. The terrified driver asked him if he was in the car at the point when it crashed but there was no awnser.

Thomas wrote:

Love the simile.

Rebecca wrote:

If you used an onamaterpear it would make it even better. And a simelly would be good. I loved the personification

Emily and Ben wrote:

Great Embedded relative clause. You could use a simile like the car was grey like a dark gloomy cloud

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Matthew J and Millie wrote:

In the Savannah, I was driving along a narow, bumpy road while I saw this man who had a red scarf round his face covering up his nose and mouth.He wore round motorcycle glasses and had his thumb up and his hand out. I stopped. I asked if he was all right yet he didn't reply. I opened the door to let him In. He climbed in and sat down. I started the car again. I looked at him with fear on my face. I drove further up the road yet there was still silence in the car. I stopped and asked were you in that car?The car,that was sold and black,slowly started to roll away. I looked at him and he looked at me. I stared into his misty goggles I saw a picture of my car falling off the cliff. It was like the man with no name knew what was going to happen.

Mr Loftus wrote:

Your embedded relative clause is brilliant.

Most of your sentences begin with 'I'. You could use a fronted adverbial, subordinating conjunction or even use an adverb to avoid this.

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Emily Ben wrote:

A friendly nice man carefully drove down a rocky road and suddenly came to a holt, he then asked a freeky, scary man did he want a lift round to a train station after he had just crashed his car but surprisingly wasn't hurt. The friendly man asked the rude ugly man how was he still alive after the crashed his car but the man didn't answer as he had a scarf rapped around his nose and mouth. Suddenly the lovely man looked at this nasty man ands he got so distracted he then lost control of the wheel and fell of the cliff inside the car!!!!

Scarlett & Trudy wrote:

.You forgot a lot of commas
.You could use a better word than nice such as fantastic, brilliant or even fabulous
.You could use some more sentence types such as a simile or an embedded relative clause
Although you could of done those suggestions, it was very good!

Grace wrote:

I loved your text although you have forgotten a lot of commas e.g. A friendly, nice man needs a comma in between the adjectives .

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Dylan Black wrote:

In the afternoon, I was driving in my car though the dessert as I went past I saw a creepy man standing there with a tiny red scarf around his mouth and with pilot glasses on I invited him into the car I said I would drop him of the station as we were going there I tried to have a conversation with strange man but there was no answer. I looked in his eyes and I saw a car crashing then I got worried and then I crashed and fell of the cliff . Then the scary man was still alive...

Luke wrote:

Dylan try and add more information and speech and also some better words but apart from that good work :)

Jack wrote:

Brilliant piece of work Dylan! But the thing you could improve is putting more commas to make your work to have sense. Also you could add more detail in your description. :) :)

Jack wrote:

Brilliant piece of work Dylan! But the thing you could improve is putting more commas to make your work to have sense. Also you could add more detail in your description. :) :)

Jack wrote:

Brilliant piece of work Dylan! But the thing you could improve is putting more commas to make your work to have sense. Also you could add more detail in your description. :) :)

Sara wrote:

You could explain why you were driving through I know I didn't but it could make it better

Grace wrote:

Great text Dylan! You could of explained why you were driving and could of used personification e.g. BOOM the rusty, old car had crashed and fallen of the edge of the cliff!!

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Thomas And Alfie wrote:

Marcus found a misterious, creepy looking man stood aside a small broken down carrage, had he crashed? He had better go over and help. His scarf blough in the wind as Marcus pulled over and asked him if he wanted a ride. He just climbed into the car, wordless... The next five minutes were pretty silent, the man just stared at him and in the giant of his eye you could see a car driving off a cliff. Ccccccrrrrrrrr! The car scraped the side of the side road and went flying off the cliff crash...
There stood on the edge of the cliff was the man passionately waiting for his next victim.

Amber and Grace wrote:

I like how you wrote a question because it makes you start thinking what will happen next.

Emily wrote:

I love the personification in it
Who's Marcus?

Dylan wrote:

I love the text all round

But I think you could use more adjectives or expanded noun phrases

Emily Bellard👩🏼 wrote:

Great job,I love the retoricle question. You could use some adjectives or a extended noun phrase next time🤑

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Ellie wrote:

Dryving down the rockyroad there stood a creepy man l asked him to get in bust no
Replie all was silent l looked at him and he turned and next minute CRASH yet again the man survived a new car came driving down.

Bella Alisha wrote:

I love it but you could of used an embedded relative clause or add some deathly like a simle.

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Tom & Stanley wrote:

Driving around the rocky cliffs, there were a man standing there like he knew I were coming... I asked him if he wanted a ride, there was no reply but he got in. While driving, he's scarf was waving in the wind. It were an eerie atmosphere... I looked deaply into he's goggles and saw my car falling of the cliff and so it did the car tumbled of the cliff it was the end for me but not for him...

MatthewB Ronnie wrote:

You could have yo used personification like while driving,his scarf was waving at me

Jake wrote:

You put there where man instead of there was a man.

Thomas and Alfie wrote:

I the end makes us wonder what has happened.

Could have put an imbedded realative clause such as: the misterious man, who wore round goggles and strange mask, told on the sidewalk.

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Rocco wrote:

I spin the wheels of the car the car that was up in flames scorching hot just a minute ago.The hills around me make me feel like I'm in the deaths of HELL my home world.My next victim comes around the corner and asked me if if I wanted a lift to the nearest station...SILENCE I took three slow steps towards the car and got in the story would of been different if he had seen under my scarf. This man was killed in the future ever citizen that looks into my goggles sees their future of death...

Thomas wrote:

I love how you created tension.

A simile would be nice.

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Trudy & Scarlett wrote:

Happily driving up the desert mountain, I came across a mysterious figure. His scarlet scarf was dancing in the wind gracefully like an elegant ballet dancer and his nerdy goggles were as shiny as a diamond ring. He was making eye contact with a dusty car wreck. Although he looked strange, I still pulled over to see if he needed help. I shuffled over to open the door and asked "There's a station down the road, I could give you a lift to it if you like." There was no answer but he aggressively got in the car and slammed the door. I couldn't help but keep looking at him because of his crazy features.

Ronnie Matthew wrote:

You could describe the door like I shuffled over to open the old,rusty door but it is great

Grace wrote:

This is great work I love it but you could of wrote about when they crashed the car and how the creepy man managed to hop out of the rusty car before it drove off the cliff.

Trudy wrote:

Thanks we will add that next time Ronnie and Matthew

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Jack wrote:

At the desert, there was a mysterious,creepy man strolling around. As he was strolling he stopped like a statue as he saw a car, he put a thumbs up to stop the car, the driver stared at him very awkwardly. Eventually the strange man became a passenger as the driver had to drop him off at a secret location, the driver was trying to have a conversation with the strange man but there was no answer. He asked him yet again... no answer, the strange man was staring at his watch and the driver was watching him as he was very terrified.

Dylan wrote:

I love the fronted adverbial Jack

I think you you could use more adjectives instead of just one the strange,old instead of strange. And I think you have used strange to much

Luke wrote:

Good work Jack but try and do more information like Dylan.So tell everyone where you are sending him and what happened next.

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Sophie wrote:

The man in the car, was driving very curiously and the man on the side of the rode put his thum up and the man in the car stopped and said
"Do you want me to drive you to town?"
No answer.I opened the car door a little bit and the man claimed in to the car and drove of.🚙 He looked at me I looked at him and I looked straight into his goggles and saw a car crash I said to my self in fear and said
"What!!!!"nooooooooooo!!!!!!! And I fell down as the strange man shives and waited for the next car to come.

Ava Poppy wrote:

Remember to check for any mistakes before you post your dececription.

I like how you said something to yourself in fear.

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Sara wrote:

In the middle of nowhere, there was a creepy man who had just escaped a car crash, this particular man was very eerie and you wouldn't want to be near him. BOOM!! CRASH!! A old beaten car drove in front of the man and the man driving asked "are you okay?" The mysterious man didn't talk at all or move "do you want me to take you to the station its up the road?" The man in the car opened the creaky door and the creepy guy got in. Some questions were asked like "are you okay, we're you in the car?" The man didn't reply and stayed silent.

Mr Loftus wrote:

I would like to see some personification in your writing. That would make it even better.

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Poppy and Ava wrote:

At the break of dawn, a strange car- that was bought in the 80s- darted quickly across the colossal desert plains and had a mysterious crash. An unusual man wearing a scarlett red scarf that danced in the wind and large, grey, circular goggles hopped out the car and gently stuck out his thumb to a man in a different car who kindly gave him a ride to the nearest station. The kind man asked him if he was alright,there was no answer, the kind man asked again "Are you okay?" ,no answer. Suddenly, he slowly turned his head and stared into the kind man's eyes and he saw him driving off a cliff so he urgently swerved and still fell of the cliff. The weird man was standing on the edge not hurt and alright sticking his thumb out to the next driver...

Jake and India wrote:

It is good because it is punctuated correctly and very well writen

Esme and Charlotte wrote:

And large circular goggles hopped out of the car and gently stuck out his thumb that does not make any sense.

I love all the adjectives but could you use a simely like An unusual man wearing a scarlet scarf danced in the wind like a professional dancer.

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Ronnie Matthew wrote:

In the middle,of the dark, creepy desert I saw a man with a neckerchief waving at me I asked him do you want to get in the car. No response but he got in the car . I asked him some questions but no respons. Mysteriously I Iooked in to his googles and seen me and him fall of the cliff in the old , rusty. Quickly I tried to stop but it was to late we fell but the man lived then he waited for his next victim.

Poppy and Ava wrote:

You need commas after you start a sentence with an adverb and you have put in the old ,rusty. Instead of putting in car.

I like your fronted adverbial.

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