End of lesson mysterious video

Date: 7th Jun 2018 @ 3:31pm

Watch the video and write a description about the unusual man. Make sure that there is always an essence of mystery in your writing. Think about the sentence types that you have already used today and try to include others.

 

Post your comment

Hannah wrote:

In the middle of nowhere, in the middle of a desert, behind the sand dunes, a mysterious, odd man looking down at his broken, flipped over car. Blood shot red scarf covering his mouth while he was spinning the wheel of the car.

As an old rusty car with a man in it comes over to him.He stops spinning the wheel of the car. The strange man put his hand out to the car. The man leaned over to the scary man "Are you alright.There's a station up the road I can take you if you like?" He didn't answer just glared.Finally deciding, the freaky scientist looking man opened the door and climbed into the rusty, dusty car. Dieing to ask, the man asked,"Where you in that car?" driving down the road. The road as narrow as a sword. The odd man still doesn't replie to the old man.

Erin wrote:

Really like your opening

Tom wrote:

Great opening sentence

Ava wrote:

Your description of the man is great!

Aaron wrote:

I like it because it makes me feel tense

Felicity wrote:

You forgot to put a before blood shot and you need a hyphen between blood and shot but other than that it is great.

Emma wrote:

Don’t just put the man the man the man mabie just put the scary man or the elderly man. But other than that I loved it very good I liked your description!👌

Patrick wrote:

Great description of the 🚘

Ava wrote:

Your description of the man is great because it’s quite detailed and I think that saying the scarf is blood shot red is also really good as it gives him a more sinister type of personality.

Dan wrote:

I really enjoyed the opening sentence Hannah! It made me read more and more

Meg wrote:

I like your sentence because it is very interesting and mysterious 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

Joe wrote:

Great opening

Marcus wrote:

I like the freaky scientist

Maddison wrote:

Great opening sentence Hannah!

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Owen wrote:

Unusually, the mysterious, strange man with a blood shot red scarf covering his face and dusty, rusty goggles stood staring at the demolished, sqeeky car laying on the floor.
All of a sudden, a stranger ask the mysterious man, “Are you ok there is a station up the road if you want me to take you there?’ The blood shotted man stood with his head sideways glaring at the stranger. He finally got in the car “Whas you in that car,?’asked the confused man while they were going across the slim, snaky road. Still no answer.

Dan wrote:

Great first sentence Owen! Unusually, the mysterious, strange man with a blood shot red scarf covering his face and dusty, rusty goggles stood staring at the demolished, squeaky car laying on the floor

Joel wrote:

Good star white blood shot red scars nice rime dusty,rusty

Amaar wrote:

Like the word demolished because it tells you how much it has been destroyed 🤙

Patrick wrote:

Nice description about the man blood shot red well done Owen!

Marcus wrote:

I like the opening.

Joel wrote:

I like dusty,rusty it gose to gether good well done Owen!

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Ava wrote:

The wind whipped the misty mid day air, as the wheel turned gently, he stood. The man stood. The man in the leather jacket stood.
“Hey are you okey?” Came a voice. Then in the dusty deserted place came a small car with the owner of the voice inside it.”There’s a station just down the road I can take you if you like.” The wreckage of the car lay still and the perfectly fine car grizzled and there fell silence. The man inside the car looked friendly enough. The mysterious man in the leather jacket climbed in with zero reluctance.

Inside the white slightly rusty-looking car that smelled of fish it was quite comfortable. The friendly man was going to ask. No. He just had to.” Um.were-were you in that car?” He nervously asked.

Alice wrote:

You put he stood then put the man stood it's either one or the other beacuse it doesn't make sense it's like if I said I ate the cupcake. Alice ate the cupcake.

Francesca wrote:

I love this so much I loved your last paragraph and your first fronted adverbial.

Francesca wrote:

I love your first fronted adverbial because It is so mysterious.

Ava wrote:

part 2 mysterious writing.

Down the winding, dusty snake-like road they drove. Glances kept hitting the scary man as Gregory (the friendly man) kept shooting nervous looks at him. The stranger,had his hands crossed they were as filthy as a pile of mud he pulled up his sleeve,checked his watch and covered it again. Gregory swallowed then rethought his question.” Are you sure your okey?” The creepy man looked strait into Greg’s eyes, though the stranger had his face covered in a red scarf and mad scientist goggles that you could not look in, you could tell that he was glaring.

Ava wrote:

Part 3 mysterious writing.

Greg's eyes narrowed. The wheels spun and the sun bore a face of suspicion. The friendly man looked strait at the goggles concealing the mysterious mans face. Gregory saw the future in them. The car would fall off the cliff if he didn't turn. They didn't turn there was no time to.

He the spooky man had done his job. Out he stuck his hand to the unfortunate soul who was driving a car close by.

Megan wrote:

I like the sentence that says

The wind whipped the misty mid day air , as the wheel turned gently , he stood . But I think you would have put ....

Cody wrote:

He the spooky man doesn’t make sense

C wrote:

I like how you put came a voice and you didn’t name the guy.

Tom wrote:

Great vocab

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Lucas wrote:

The mysterious man ,looked at the wheel suspiciously and stopped it from turning.Is this man a stranger?
He turned around to see a man in a truck and unknown man put his thumbs up and and the man in the truck stared out of window and into the desert the man said in the truck said “there’s a station up the road I can take you there” replied the scared, wimping man.
The man driving was trying to ask the unknown man and he said “ where you that car?”asked the driver.

Steven wrote:

Try to use paragraphs in yours work

Ava wrote:

Your pronouns for the man are great. Especially the unknown man they are good as no one else has used them.

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Amy wrote:

The strange, mysterious man, who wore a fiery - red scarf and circular goggles, stood next to his upside down car and wondered what to do.

With his hand, he stopped the wheel of his car. That led to a squeak. As a car came passed the odd man put his hand out for a lift. The stranger stopped and opened the window. “Are you alright?” No answer. “There is a station up the road I can take you there if you want?” Again, no answer. The man just stared at him. The passer by felt confused. Unexpectedly the weird man got in the car. As they both travelled down the isolated, deserted dessert the driver asked, “Were you in that car?” Like always, no replie.

Hannah wrote:

Great punctuation in your speech

Blossom wrote:

I like your embedded relative clause.

Joe part 2 wrote:

The ninja- like man looked at his watch hoping he got there faster. Meanwhile in the corner of his eye the older man was nervous about this unusual person in his car. Looking again the elder says,” Are you sure you are alright? With the anger on his faceh. He turned his head like a dinosaur.

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Joe wrote:

The strange,unusual man stared at a his vehicle hoping he could get it out of the crispy, mishty sand. Stranded in the desert the man with a ninja scarf and a scientist goggles was stranded. Then driving up this different man pulled up, he said,”Are you alright. I know the is a a station up the road I can take you.” The man wasn’t sure but he opened the door for the unusual man but the man just stared it was silence then the strange man gets in the rusty,dusty car. The man just keeps peeking from the coner of his eye at the weird man. The man said, “ Were you in that car when it crashed”the strange man didn’t reply again.

Lewis wrote:

I really like how you put a ninja scarf instead of just a scarf

Ciaran wrote:

Try to not use the word unusual as much but a different word in to describe the man

Marcus wrote:

Good vocabulary.

Ava wrote:

I like how you put scientist goggles instead of just goggles.

Ava wrote:

Try to use paragraphs in your work.

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Felicity wrote:

Standing in the middle of nowhere, near an isolated road, where it was as windy as the top of a mountain, a mysterious, face-covered man, who was wearing a blood red scarf, glared down at his broken, squeaky car. Coming out from the mist, an elderly, caring man, driving a black, rusty car, opened the door for the stranger, that he barely knew, and asked, “Are you alright. There is a station up the road I can take you there if like?” The outsider didn’t reply, he stood as still as a knife stabbed into the ground. Slowly, the unknown stranger stepped into the small, comfy car. The thoughtful, kind-hearted man questioned, “Were you in that car?” No answer.

They carried on driving down the narrow, snake-like road.

Erin wrote:

I like the way you have used more than one fronted adverbials

Amy wrote:

I really like your fronted adverbials at the start.

Hannah wrote:

I like the way you have described all the different things with more than one adjective

Aaron wrote:

I like your fronted adverbial

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Harrison wrote:

The fully-masked,scary stranger spun the squeaky wheel like it Was a toy. Next thing , out ot of nowhere in the dessert an elderly man came with an old car then then opened his window .
“Are you alright ? ,there is a station down the road,do you want me to take you there, “ said the elderly man. No answer . The stranger opened the door and didn’t speak
“Where you in that car?,said the man as he drove down the narrow road .

Amaar wrote:

Like your simile.

Emma wrote:

You don’t need a space after the comma and on the first line you do t need a capital letter for was

Joel wrote:

I love the fully masked scary stranger

Alice wrote:

Try and use paragraphs in your work Harrison. I like your simile though.

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Ciaran wrote:

The scary man was staring at a broken down and rusted car that was his he was spinning a wheel that was so rusty it looked like it was going to fall of.

Then all of a sudden a man had driven over and said “ are you okay there is a garage down the rod I can take you there,” as he open the door for him to get in. As he got in they started to drive but the other man said “ were you in that car,” the mysterious man said nothing.

Harvey wrote:

You forgot a comma.

Dan wrote:

You forgot your comma after. Then all of a sudden

Steven wrote:

he open door doesn’t make sense.

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Charlotte Tickle - Dwyer wrote:

In the middle of knownwhere ,with dirty,rusty,old,glass, with a black dusty coat. He puts his hand out to spin the wheel.On the cliffs, the was rusty old car.The strang,the young man put his fums up to the stranger. The strange stopped and winded his window down.These a station down the road,I can take you there, no reply.The the the drive open the door, the man got in the rusty,old,dirty the driver look at him and then drove away and ask was you in that car?

C wrote:

You don’t need commas you’ve put to many

Amy wrote:

You have put rusty to many times.

Tom wrote:

The first sentence doesn't make sense

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Steven wrote:

The mysterious, unknown man stopped the crashed spinning wheel of the car with a touch he turned around and put a thumbs up to get a hitchhike the kind-hearted man stopped his car in the dusty, isolated desert.
The middle-aged man asked, "are you alright?" he got no replie... "t-their's a station up ahead I could take you there?"
the middle-aged man decided to talk but at the last second he changed his mind then he made the choice and asked "were you in that car?"

Steven Part 2 wrote:

The middle-aged man kept driving he glanced at the mysterious man he glanced again he couldn't stop looking the elderly man looked again. The mysterious man he pulled his sleeve up and looked at the time. The old man asked once again "are you sure your alright?" The strange man turned his head like he knew about something that the older man diden't know the strange man glared creepely at the middle-aged man...

Steven part 3 wrote:

Suddenly the man hits the brakes but he was too late but it’s like the strange man teleported out the car...

Lucas wrote:

I love the strange teleported out of the car.

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Francesca wrote:

In the middle of a dreary place, a masked man stood towering over a crashed car . Specifically, a wheel on the car still spinning plainly indicated the car has recently crashed . He stifled it as if trying to get rid of evidence .A car came around the corner . The masked man put his thumb up to show he needed a ride. The driver rolled down the window. “Ugh?Are you alright ?” “You know ... there’s a station down the road,” the driver told him , unsure. No reply came. The masked man just stared. The driver opened the door to the complete stranger. He got in to the old two seater. As they started the journey along the forever winding path . “Were ... were ... were you in that car ?” He asked nervously , concerned.

Ava wrote:

Great detail on everything that happened.

C wrote:

Wow wow wow fran this is fab the way you have worded it I’m impressed

Rhianna wrote:

I love your your sentence where you said he stifled it as if trying rid of evidence because you don't know what type of evidence it is.

Francesca wrote:

Thanks so much for your support guys!!!

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Josh wrote:

In the mysterious, isolated desert, where a crashed, wrecked car lay, was a masked entity with a organ-coloured scarf round his face with goggles to protect his eyes.
The wheel of it’s car was spinning, so it had to stop it with it’s hand. As car a came down the road, the unknown figure gave a subtle thumbs up. The car stopped. The balding, old man from inside of the car looked at the masked figure and stared, before saying, “Are you okay? There’s a station up the road if you’d like me to take you there.” Not a respond. He stared for a moment, before moving to get into the passenger seat in the beat-up, rusty car.

They started to move on the narrow, snake-like road. The middle aged man looked at the figure, tried to speak, but couldn’t. But he had to. “Where you in that car?” he asked him cautiously.

Francesca wrote:

I LOVE your hyphen , snake -like, great work.

Harrison wrote:

I like your hyphen

Harvey wrote:

I really like the snake-like road

Dan wrote:

You used a really good hyphen for snake-like road. I used it in my work it was that good

Joel wrote:

I like your hyphen well done Josh!

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Patrick wrote:

The masked man stood tall and stared down at the tipped over car wheel and stopped it. suddenly the rattle of a 1930s style engine came around the corner the the kind aged man pulled over next to the scary looking dark clothed man the driver asked “are you all right? there is a station up the road I could take you there.” No answer the blood shot color scarfed man opened the noisy door and got in the driver could not resisted it but ask “were you in that car?”

Alice wrote:

I would add more deatail to the crashed car or the man. For example the crashed car on it's side was rusty, wrecked.

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Lewis wrote:

A mysterious weird man spun a wheel in what looked like a dessert. The sinister man put his thumb up as a car stopped a kind man said “Are you alright? there’s a station down the road I could take you there” there was no response. The kind opened the door the sinister man got in he was just about to say something then stopped but and said it any way “where you in that car?”

Tom wrote:

Try spread out the events to make it more detailed

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Dan wrote:

Dan

In an isolated, deserted desert, a mysterious, unusual man, with a blood colour bandana around his mouth, span a wheel with a creek and a squeak. An old, withering man drove passsed in his rusty, bulky car and stopped.
“Are you alright? There’s a station up the road. I can take you there?”
The younger man didn’t respond. He glared... They drove on the narrow road
“Where you in that car?” The man had to ask.

Patrick wrote:

Nice description about the desert Dan!

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Erin wrote:

Erin

Strangely, mysteriously,faceless,the unusual looking stranger stood staring at a wheel that had fell of his rusty, warn out car.He glided two of his fingers down the wheel still not moving or hardly doing anything at all.His clothes were as dark as a vampires heart.He turned around with a with no expression on his face.Who was it?Suddenly, from around the corner, an elderly, kind-hearted man stopped meanwhile the mysterious stranger placed his hand out looking for help.
“Do you need help?”asked the uncomfortable man.The stranger didn’t answer.”There’s a station down the road...I could take you there.”the man with a worried look went on.Still no answer.The suspicious stranger glided over to the car and got in.

As they drove down the narrow rode, the elderly man, who was very generous, was about to speak but then hesitated.He couldn’t help but not saying,”Where you in that car ?”

Alfie wrote:

Nice adjectives

Hannah wrote:

The description of the man is really good because it is very mistirious and interesting

Amy wrote:

I really like your opening because the words are great and add to the mystery.

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Rhianna wrote:

The strange ,unusual old man looked at the wheel that was spinning then he stopped it steering at it like a scarecrow then slowly but swiftly the old man walked and gave his thumb up to the man who was in the rusty,yellow and pictured van stopped and looked at the old man in the ice solated desert the man said "are you alright"?There is a station up the road I could take you there.But no response.The old man opened the door and they set off the man was about to say something but he really wanted to ask the question so he said where you in that car.still no response.

Megan wrote:

Rhiannia I like your sentence about the man in the car and the other man 👍🏻 🦄

Cody wrote:

I really enjoyed you expanded noun phrases because they are very creative.

C wrote:

I love the way you described the man :)

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Megan wrote:

Megan

In a isolated desert , a man who’s car had flipped over with a wheel spinning he stopped it ....

As an old ,rusty car passed a creepy man in a black coat , was wearing a long red scarf with green glasses like a scientist as the old man braking down , said “ are you all right there is a station down the road I’ll take you there if u like are you all right ? . With a little stuttering the man let the stranger in his rusty car . The man asked , “ where you in that car when it crashed . With an awkward silents , the man didn’t reply.

Erin wrote:

I like the way you have used ellipsis (I don’t know how to spell it )

Blossom wrote:

I really like your ellipsis too.

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Leon wrote:

A man stered at the wheel spinning and the mysterious person stopped it. A car came out of the corner of the mountain and a another man came and told him,”are you all right.” No answer. “There’s a station up ahead I could take you there.” The slightest older man pushed the door open the mysterious man stepped forward to go in.The man looks at him and puls of.

The man goes to say something but he doesn’t but he can’t resist. “You where in there.” No answer not even a look.”

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Emma wrote:

In the middle of nowhere, a young man with black,spiky hair and dusty goggles, was stood beside a rusty, squeaky car. The young man forced his gloved hand to halt the spinning wheel.

Just after, another car a kind-hearted, elderly man peered out of the car window and questioned “Are you ok?” The quiet man just stood still and stared at the lovely, polite man. “ There is station up the road I could take you there.” Still no answer.

The kind-hearted man pushed open the car door and the crazy-haired man stepped into the rusty vehicle. The elderly man was thinking to ask and did
“ Were you in that car when it crashed?” Still no answer. They drove of to the twisty, bumpy road.

Harrison wrote:

I like your hyphen

Blossom wrote:

I like where you put the crazy-haired man stepped into the rusty vehicle but make sure that your writing makes sense when you put another car a kind - hearted.

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Marcus wrote:

In the middle of a desert, a mysterious man had crashed his car and wouldn’t say a thing he looked like he was in shock.suddenly the strange stopped his wheel on his car then a man pulled up from around the corner saw the man stopped his car and said “are you ok”asked the other man.After that he said “there is a station down the road I can take you there” he asked again. He pushed the door and the strange man got in

Hannah wrote:

I like your opening sentence because you have a fronted adverbial

Joel wrote:

You need a full stop after car on the second line

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Kai wrote:

Kai

As the scary creepy face-covered man span the wheel on the crashed car .

Suddenly a man came in an old car come over and offered him a lift but the scary creepy man didn’t answer .

“ Are you all right there is a station up the road I can take you there? ” questioned the driver . The kind man opened the door and the creepy man got in .

They drove down the road the kind man asked , “ were you in that car ?”

There was no answer .

Blossom wrote:

I like when you put as the scary creepy face

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Lucas wrote:

The mysterious man ,looked at the wheel suspiciously and stopped it from turning.Is this man a stranger?
He turned around to see a man in a truck and unknown man put his thumbs up and and the man in the truck stared out of window and into the desert the man said in the truck said “there’s a station up the road I can take you there” replied the scared, wimping man.
The man driving was trying to ask the unknown man and he said “ where you that car?”asked the driver

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Joel wrote:

The stranger with a mask over his eyes looked down at his crashed.car looking at his old rusty wheels but one is squeaking as an other man drove up the road in a nice black large car came a long.The stranger put his arm out so the large black car pulled over.he said " their is a station down their road."The stranger didn't reply he just stared at the man throw the window.and the man said "I could take you to the station".The stranger opened the door and got into the car and they both drove of in the desert to the station.The man said" where you in that car." no answer by the stranger so the older man

Owen wrote:

The first sentence doesn’t make sense as you have put your full stop in the wrong place you put(The stranger with a mask over his eyes looked down at his crashed. And there is no capital letter at the start of your second sentence but the rest is brilliant well done

Harrison wrote:

You missed a comma in between old and rusty

Patrick wrote:

You need more description Joel but everything else is great Joel!

Blossom wrote:

I like where you’ve put the stranger with a mask over his eyes looked down at his crashed car.

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Alice wrote:

Stranded, the overly odd, scarfed man stood sideways. What was he looking at? He put his hand out and started to turn a wheel. Did his car breakdown? He had goggles on like a scientist with an overly dangerous invention.

Wait who is that? A rusty, dented vehicle pulled up. He unwound his window and said, "Are you alright? There's a station up the road if you want me to take you there." No reply. The road was like a snake wanting it's prey instantly.

Leon wrote:

I love your language

Charlotte wrote:

Really good description about the road Alice The road was like a snake wanting its prey instantly

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Cody wrote:

The strange,confusing man stood in the wind rolling a tyre around.Suddenly,he stoped the tyre and walked slowly towards the road...

As the old,dusty car pulled up,the masked fiend stuck his hand out.a stranger came out the
window and asked,”Are you ok?“He didn’t awnser. The stranger in the vehicle asked,”where you in that car?”no awnser...
The elderly man opened the old,rusty car’s door,There there’s a station up the road I can take you there,”still the blood red scarfed man had no awnser towards the help-full elderly man...the scarfed man slowly got into the rusty vehicle and drove of,”were you really in that car,” the elderly asked No awnser...They drove of onto the snake-like road...

Alice wrote:

There is no hyphen inbetween help and full it is one word. The elipse is very well used keep up the good work Cody.

Aaron wrote:

I like your ellipses

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Cody wrote:

The strange,confusing man stood in the wind rolling a tyre around.Suddenly,he stoped the tyre and walked slowly towards the road...

As the old,dusty car pulled up,the masked fiend stuck his hand out.a stranger came out the
window and asked,”Are you ok?“He didn’t awnser. The stranger in the vehicle asked,”where you in that car?”no awnser...
The elderly man opened the old,rusty car’s door,There there’s a station up the road I can take you there,”still the blood red scarfed man had no awnser towards the help-full elderly man...the scarfed man slowly got into the rusty vehicle and drove of,”were you really in that car,” the elderly asked No awnser...They drove of onto the snake-like road...

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Amaar wrote:

As the strange man, who was standing in the middle of the desert, mysteriously looking at a wheel which was spinning. Goggles like a scientist and a scarf like a killer trying to cover his face. Soon a spooked driver pulled up as the strange, mysterious man stopped the wheel spinning. He put his thumb out and the driver stopped and opened the window. He said, "Are you alright?There's a station u up the road if you want". He stopped and opened the door. No reply. The strange man opened the car door a bit wider and got in. He stared and looked. The driver went to ask a question but stopped. But he just had to ask."So you were in that car", the driver asked.

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Aaron wrote:

The weird,scary man glared at a wrecked car while spinning a squeaky wheel. He wears a blood shot red scarf around his head. Suddenly,a car came rushing on the road of the isolated desert.

The scary stranger,put his Hand out to stop the elderly man. The elderly man peered out of the window of his car.“Are you alright?” Asked the elderly man. “There is a station up the road I can take you there?” There was silence. The scary stranger climbed into the car. The elderly man question but he didn't.“Was that your car ?” Asked the elderly man. The road was narrow as narrow as a knife.

Kai wrote:

I really like as narrow as a knife

Cody wrote:

I like you similes at the end because knifes are narrow and I also like your isolated desert scentence.

Marcus wrote:

You thought it out well

Alfie wrote:

I like your adjectives because It stands out.

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Harvey wrote:

The scary stranger stood staring at a squeaky wheel. He reached out his hand and stopped the wheel from spinning.

Suddenly a car pulled up next to him the door opened and a man said, ”Would you like me to take you to the station up the road?” The strange man stepped into the car and out of the sand. During the trip the kind soul said , “ Where you in that car?” The mysterious soul said nothing...

Josh wrote:

I loved the alternate noun for the strange man. I mean the mysterious soul.

Cody wrote:

I like how you called the elderly man a kid soul and I like you ellipsis at the end The mysterious soul said nothing...

Tom wrote:

Tom spillsbury

His scarf flailed behind him in the trailing wind. It flapped about like a flag on a pole. Misty goggles concealed his disturbing eyes. His thick, oily hair hung over his forehead. His hand reached out. The wheal stopped. His rusty, delapitated car lay roof down. He was nowhere. He turned away. His masked face was emotionless. He gave nothing away. A rundown car rumbled round a towering corner of the rugged mountain.The man, who had now found little hope, held his grubby hand for a lift. The window descended slowly with no intent to rush. “A A Are you ok,” stuttered the kind hearted man. “ T Theres a station up the road I could take you,” The driver added on. The was no response. The man got in. He glared.

The Mysterious man didn’t move. The old man went to ask him something but didn’t. He had to.” Were you in that car.” He hesitantly asked.The my

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Tom wrote:

Tom spillsbury

His scarf flailed behind him in the trailing wind. It flapped about like a flag on a pole. Misty goggles concealed his disturbing eyes. His thick, oily hair hung over his forehead. His hand reached out. The wheal stopped. His rusty, delapitated car lay roof down. He was nowhere. He turned away. His masked face was emotionless. He gave nothing away. A rundown car rumbled round a towering corner of the rugged mountain.The man, who had now found little hope, held his grubby hand for a lift. The window descended slowly with no intent to rush. “A A Are you ok,” stuttered the kind hearted man. “ T Theres a station up the road I could take you,” The driver added on. The was no response. The man got in. He glared.

The Mysterious man didn’t move. The old man went to ask him something but didn’t. He had to.” Were you in that car.” He hesitantly asked.

Josh wrote:

I loved this piece of writing, because of the punctuation and the way you told it. Some words I liked were: trailing, concealed, delapitated emotionless, grubby, descended and hesitantly. In one of the sentences, you spelled wheel wrong, because you spelled it wheal instead.

Hannah wrote:

I like your opening sentence because it has great vocabulary

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Blossom wrote:

The mysterious man,with a bloodshot red bandana,had eyes as big as a spiders body. Although the scary creature-like man was spinning the creaky of the creakiest wheel ,at last minute a rusty,old car sped round the corner and looked through the window, “Are u okay, there’s a station down the road, would you like me to take you?” asked the stranger. Stuttering , the man said is that your c-car. But the mysterious man did not answer.

Hannah wrote:

You have punctuated the speech well by putting the punctuation inside the speech marks

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C wrote:

In the middle of nowhere a masked man with foggy goggles peeped at a crashed car and ran his fingers on a squeaky wheel and all of a sudden a man pulled up in a car and asked if the wanted to come to the nearest station down the road.the masked bandit just stared and got in the car.

Alice wrote:

You need capital letters at the start of sentences

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Alfie wrote:

The weird looking man span the crooked wheel and then at that moment a stranger came speeding up the road and pulled up in a rusted old car and said "Are you ok" the stranger didn't reply the old man exclaimed there's a gas station up ahead I can take you there the stranger didn't reply instead he glared. The man climbed into the veacle the old man said in a crooked voice "you in that."

Tom wrote:

Try add more detail by spacing out the events

Aaron wrote:

The end bit of speech doesn’t make sense put . “Where you in that?”

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Patrick 2 wrote:

The driver kept looking at the strange man and wondering why is this man egnoring me the stage man plays around then glared at his watch and then covers it

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Alfie wrote:

They sped of and never looked back.The old man glanced at hime and his eyes bolted back to the road and it again and again and at that moment the stranger looked at his watch. “Are you ok said the old manThe young man turned his head and stared.

Aaron wrote:

The first sentence doesn’t make sense.

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Emma no2 wrote:

The kind-hearted man glanced at the young man and glanced at the road. He peered a the the strange man and peered at the road. He started at the at the stranger and stared at the road. Then the young man looked at his watch. He covered his watch back up with his sleeve. The ealderly man asked, whith a nervous qroak in his voice, “ are you shure you are alright?” No answer just a turn of a head and a glare.

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Aaron 2 wrote:

The elderly man glanced at the scary stranger and focused back at the road . He did it again. Weirdly the scary stranger checked the time. There was an awkward silence in the car. “Are you sure you're alright?” Asked the elderly man. The scary stranger glared back at the other man.

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Joel2 wrote:

The elderly man stared at the stranger again and agiain the stranger looked at his whatch waht was he late for the old man is confused the old man said “are you sure your ok”. No reply

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Alice part 2 wrote:

The kind, retired guy looked over at the weird stranger, who had his hands one over the other. He looked at his watch... what was he late for? “Are you sure you’re alright?” asked the old man. This time the unknown man turned his head and glared at him.

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Cody 2 wrote:

Slowly, the elderly man glared over at the mysterious stranger who had his hands crossed.The elderly man glared at him again and again and again. “Are you sure your alright?” No response from the scarfed man but he slowly turned his head to face the elderly,helpful man.

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Amaar 2 wrote:

No reply. He looked down and then up again. He looked down and up again looked at his watch and then looked up again. The driver said, “Are you sure your okay?”,the strange man looked at him.

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Francesca 2 wrote:

The driver glanced awkwardly at the man. Then he glanced at the road. He peeped at the man out of the corner of his eye. The man pulled his sleeve up . The man glanced at a shining watch on his spindly wrist. Rapidly he pulled his sleeve down .
Was he late for something? If so ,what?

They turned sharply around a corner. “Are ... are you sure you’re alright?” No reply echoed back , then masked, mysterious man turned his head slowly . He stared.

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Leon pt 2 wrote:

The man looks at him and looks back at the road and the yonger man with the blood shot scarth and looks at his watch. Is he late for something? “Are you sure you’re ok” no answer but this time a glare.

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Lucas part 2 wrote:

The middle aged man kept driving and kept glancing at the unknown man.The man had his hand crossed and checked his watch what was he late for? ... The man in the van said "Are you alright" asked petrified man he turned like a robot.

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Ch part2 wrote:

The driver quickly glances looked away the strange man he moved his coat and he had watch, Wonder what he was late for?

“Are you sure your ok” the driver asked. The the stranger swaded side to side and then looked at the driver

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Dan pt2 wrote:

The old man glanced. And again. He just couldn’t ask. The man with the blood coloured scarf checked his watch. What was he late for...?

He hesitated. “ Are you sure you’re alright?”
The blood red scarf man turned to him...

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Emma no2 wrote:

The kind-hearted man glanced at the young man and glanced at the road. He peered a the the strange man and peered at the road. He started at the at the stranger and stared at the road. Then the young man looked at his watch. He covered his watch back up with his sleeve. The ealderly man asked, whith a nervous qroak in his voice, “ are you shure you are alright?” No answer just a turn of a head and a glare.

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Aaron 2 wrote:

The elderly man glanced at the scary stranger and focused back at the road . He did it again. Weirdly the scary stranger checked the time. There was an awkward silence in the car. “Are you sure you're alright?” Asked the elderly man. The scary stranger glared back at the other man.

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Harvey part 2 wrote:

Slowly the nice man looked at him then back at the road a couple times. The mysterious man stared at his watch then back at the road. The kind man asked ," Are you sure your alright ?” The mysterious man turned his head and stared at him...

Leon wrote:

I like how you said a couple in stead of he looked at him and looked back so it doesn’t look silly like I did

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Amy p2 wrote:

As they kept driving the kind-hearted stranger kept glancing over at him. Meanwhile, the younger man lifted up his hand and looked at his watch. What is he late for...?

A couple of minutes passed by, the curious stranger bravely asked, “ Are you sure you’re alright?” Differently to always the scary, mysterious man slowly turned his head and glared at the elderly stranger.

Cody wrote:

I like your ellipsis and description of the elderly man.

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Alfie wrote:

They sped of and never looked back.The old man glanced at hime and his eyes bolted back to the road and it again and again and at that moment the stranger looked at his watch. “Are you ok said the old man suddenly the young man turned his head and stared.

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Blossom pt2 wrote:

A minute later, the stranger said “is that your car” but the mysterious man still didn’t answer strangely, the weird ,curious man looked at his watch and looked straight back up. The elderly man glared at this big goggled eyed person and then carried on driving. “Are you sure your alright” then out of the blue this person from out of nowhere just turned his head and stared.

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Rhianna part 2 wrote:

Glancing at the old man and then turning his head to the road he was very suspicious so he watched the old man again and the old man was steering at his watch what was he late for.He glanced at him once more and said "are you sure your alright" and the old man steered at him while he was not looking and with a ghostly look.

C wrote:

Great work but the only thing I could say is steered ment to be stared?

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Cody 2 wrote:

Slowly, the elderly man glared over at the mysterious stranger who had his hands crossed.The elderly man glared at him again and again and again. “Are you sure your alright?” No response from the scarfed man but he slowly turned his head to face the elderly,helpful man.

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Cody 2 wrote:

Slowly, the elderly man glared over at the mysterious stranger who had his hands crossed.The elderly man glared at him again and again and again. “Are you sure your alright?” No response from the scarfed man but he slowly turned his head to face the elderly,helpful man.

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Patrick 2 wrote:

The driver kept looking at the strange man and wondering why is this man egnoring. me the strange man played around then glared at his watch and then covered it. the driver turned the corner and asked “are you shore your alright?” Then the strange man looked at him with undiscribable look

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Ciaran p2 wrote:

Then nicer man every few seconds he was looking at the man and the road.The mysterious man had his hand crossed and then looked at his watch. Then back at the road. Then other man asked, “ Are you sure you’re okay.” The mysterious man turned his head…

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Harrison p2 wrote:

He looked at the stranger . He looked at the road . He glanced at the stranger . He stared at the road . The stranger looked at his watch then didn't say anything. What was he late for?

"Are you sure your alright."said the old man as the young man looked at him

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Alfie wrote:

They sped of and never looked back.The old man glanced at hime and his eyes bolted back to the road and it again and again and at that moment the stranger looked at his watch. “Are you ok said the old man suddenly the young man turned his head and stared.

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Marcus part 2 wrote:

The shocked man, looked out the window and also looked at his watch like he was late. The man asked “are you sure your ok”.

Tom wrote:

Try use different names because it's confusing

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Felicity part 2 wrote:

Like somebody was controlling his eyes, the nervous man kept glancing over at the unknown stranger. The thing rolled up its sleeve and darted its eyes towards its vibrant, golden wrist-watch and carried on being as quiet as a murderer. What was going on in its brain? "Are you sure you're alright?" repeated the curious driver. The suspicious outsider stared at him...

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Hannah2 wrote:

The elderly man looks at the freaky boy and back then again. The scary, freaky stranger crosses his hands. Very silently he pulls up his sleeve. He glances at his watch checking the time. What is was he late for? He moves his head back up from the watch."Are you sure you're alright?" Asks the old man. The strange, creepy man this time turns and stares at the old man. He looked at the old man with the most unusual look.

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Josh 2 wrote:

The thing was still silent.

The man kept on glancing over at the figure,then looked back at the road, glanced at the thing, then back. It was like a child looking at the sun. The masked entity,with his hands over his lap, pulled up his sleeve to reveal a glimmering watch, before concealing it again with it’s sleeve. The elderly man got more and more curious, and even more petrified. “Are you sure you’re alright?” he interrogated.

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wrote:

He looked at the stranger . He looked at the road . He glanced at the stranger . He stared at the road . The stranger looked at his watch then didn't say anything. What was he late for?

"Are you sure you are alright."said the old man as the young man looked

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Tom v2 wrote:

No response. They carried on. The driver glanced over suspiciously. The stranger had his hands crossed. The driver looked back at the road. He was very suspicious. The younger man with the bloodshot scarf lifted his right hand. The driver shifted uneasily. He pulled his sleeve back to reveal a filthy watch. He slid the sleeve back. What was he late for?

The driver swallowed. With cautiousness he asked, “ Are you sure your ok?” The intimidating man turned to face the retired man. He glared through his unneeded goggles. He saw right through the old mans eyes...

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C wrote:

The elderly man driving the car glanced over but the masked bandit just stares,rolls his sleeve up and checks his dirty watch concerned.
"Are you sure your ok?" Asked the driver.The bandits head turned and he glared...

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Erin p2 wrote:

The old man glanced over to the suspicious stranger.He looked back to the narrow rode,which was as narrow as a knife.He looked at him from the corner of his eye. He let a quiet sigh out which lead him to look back at the road.The covered -faced stranger lifted his sleeve and then looked at his watch concerned.

As they turned around the edge of a corner, the elderly man asked the same question again ,”Are you sure you’re alright?”
There was no answer. Even though there was no answer,he turned his head slowly .

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Tom v2 wrote:

No response. They carried on. The driver glanced over suspiciously. The stranger had his hands crossed. The driver looked back at the road. He was very suspicious. The younger man with the bloodshot scarf lifted his right hand. The driver shifted uneasily. He pulled his sleeve back to reveal a filthy watch. He slid the sleeve back. What was he late for?

The driver swallowed. With cautiousness he asked, “ Are you sure your ok?” The intimidating man turned to face the retired man. He glared through his unneeded goggles. He saw right through the old mans eyes...

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Owen wrote:

Part Two

Glancing over to the man. Staring with the corner of his eye. The man with the blood shotted scarf has a glimps at his watch what is he late for?

“Are you sure your ok?’ interigated the elderly man. The confused man turned his head at the man and stared with his disturbing eyes.

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Lewispt2 wrote:

They carried on driving The kind man looked at the sinister man then looked back at the road again and again the sinister man pulled back his sleeve to revel his watch then put his sleeve back the kind man said “are you sure you’re alright” the sinister man gave him a death stare.

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Ch part3 wrote:

The stranger look Over to the man who was driver. The driver look at his mirror and he thought that he was going to fall off the cliff. Suddenly he had fallen.The stranger was waiting for him finally the rusty old car came

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Francesca3 wrote:

As the masked man's ocean deep yet foggy stare bore into the driver, who was hypnotised and not paying attention to the road, the car wheels where getting out of control . All of a sudden, it happened.The driver saw his future in those glaring goggles. He gasped as the car rebound of the rock.

ReEeEeEee ! CRASH!

Among the sandy land, a mysteriously masked man dusted himself of right where a car had been a few seconds before. In fact, the car he leaped out of .
Soon enough , another unknowing victim came around the corner in his or her black car . He put his thumb up ready to trick this new driver . Why? How? We'll never know.

Rhianna wrote:

Like we’re you said the was a hypnotist.

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Cody wrote:

"Are you sure your all right?" Asked the elderly man. Slowly,the stranger (who was being suspicious) looked at the old man a stared into his eyes and visoioned the car driving of the cliffs edge...So it did... the mysterious stranger got out and asked for a new ride...

Ch wrote:

Good decision how the man looked at the stranger. Stared into his eyes and visoioned

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Owen part 3 wrote:

Not taking there eyes of each other, not focusing on their road, the car flys of the road like a superhero. There was no sine of the stranger all you could see was the disturbing monster-like person who stopped another car with that mysterious, strange look on his face.

Amaar wrote:

Like your simile the car flys of the road like superhero

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Lewis wrote:

Then in the sinister man's goggles the car went off the edge seconds later they went of the edge then the sinister man stood there brushing off dust then put his thumb up to that exact same car again.

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Harvey part3 wrote:

The kind soul stared into his glasses and saw his car falling of the cliff. He suddenly stopped his car but it was to late. The only survivor was the dark,dangerous murderer.

Ciaran wrote:

I like the end the only survivor was the dark, dangerous murderer

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Rhianna part 3 wrote:

Then they both glared at each other and then all of a sudden the man looked hard enough at the goggles that the old man was wearing then he saw a vision of his own death.......He then paniked and then the vision came true.

The strange mysterious man was then standing on the side of the road waiting for his next victim. Then finally his next victim arrived flying up the road.

C wrote:

I like your opening sentence :)

Francesca wrote:

I love your last sentence because you have made it so mysterious

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Emma v3 wrote:

As the young stranger turned his crazy-haird head the elderly man had a vision in his mirror it was of the car crashing. And BANG everything was black. As the elderly man was driving back up the the cliff there was the young stranger giving him a thumbs up but still no speech.

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Alfie wrote:

As they were quiet the people silens was broken the old man exclaimed "are you sure your ok" there was no reply he glared at the old man the old man started shaking bang'kaboom'crash the car went flying of the cliff another car came up the road what's coming next?

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Josh 3 wrote:

It looked over. The man stared into the rusty goggles. He looked harder. He could see something, in the thing's goggles. It was the image of a car speeding off the road like a bullet from a sniper, crashing through a worn out, flimsy fence and falling off a cliff. He then realized that was his car. He gasped, with his car threw itself into the side of the mountain they were driving on, causing the terrified, decrepit man to lose control of his vehicle. His fate was decided. He crashed into the fence, flew off the road, and with a final breath, fell to the ground.

The masked figure stood next to the wreckage, brushing his shirt with his gloved hand. It then heard something. The sound of another car approaching.

Felicity wrote:

I liked your simile.
The one about the car speeding off the road like a bullet sniper.

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Aaron 3 wrote:

The elderly man looked deep into the scary strangers eyes. The elderly man had a vision that his car will fall of a cliff. In a blink of an eye, the car went flying of the cliff edge. Weirdly the scary stranger was still stood on top of the cliff unharmed.

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Kai wrote:

The strange mysterios man looked at him again he imagend that he would fall of the cliff . He busted through the wood barriers but the stranger got out In time and waited for the second car.

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Maddison wrote:

He seemed to appear from nowhere! His face concealed, lacking expression and no true identity. How intriguing, some what mysterious in fact?
The dust of the dirty old road filled the air, as the tire's of the car came to a holt alongside the harrowing silhouette. would this driver regret stopping on his travels, where may this road ahead lead with this dark stranger!
The driver picked up the stranger, trying to reassure himself that he had done the right thing stopping, he tried to make conversation but got nothing from this peculiar person. With a glance from the stranger it was as if he could see what future events was about to take place! Confused, that vision turned to reality and the car had veered off the cliff top. The dark stranger stood without expression unharmed......who was he? who was his next victim?

Marcus wrote:

Brilliant vocabulary harrowing silhouette

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Felicity part 3 wrote:

The solicitous, considerate man focused on the reflection in the ominous, spine-chilling stranger's goggles. A series of pictures shone in the things goggles, showing the dutiful driver's car uncontrollably driving on the wrong side of the road, smashing a wooden fence into smithereens and then flying off a rocky, declivitous cliff edge. Without any warning from the thing, the series of pictures began in real life.

Standing in the middle of nowhere, near an isolated road, where it was as windy as the top of a mountain, a mysterious, face-covered man, who was wearing a blood red scarf, glared down at a broken, squeaky car. The stranger waited for another affectionate, thoughtful driver to sacrifice...

Amy wrote:

I like the vocabulary you have used like solicitous,considerate ominous and uncontrollably.

Emma wrote:

I love your first hyphen Felicty
I like your expanded noun phrases I love your fronted adverbial

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Ciaran P3 wrote:

Then all of a sudden, the man looked into the other man eyes and then he could picture a car crashing over the side. Then the nicer man looked at the road and then the car fell off the pathway over the side. The mysterious man was then seen by the road side hitching for a further ride.

Harvey wrote:

I really like the mystery at the end but you could of added in ellipses to add more mystery.

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C wrote:

The silent stranger, with the blood red, flowing scarf and the misty goggles stood in the eerie silence of the dusty track where terror grows. Beside him lay the wreck of a crashed car. As he waited, who knows what for, the only sound was the rhythmic squeak as he spun the upturned wheel. Before long, another car came chugging around the bend. The man in the red scarf put his thumb out. The helpful and kind-hearted driver stopped to offer help. Without a word, the stranger slid into the car, staring at the driver, deep into his soul. The driver's efforts at conversation failed and the scarved bandit continued to stare straight ahead. In a smooth move, the stranger pushes up his sleeve to reveal the glowing face of a watch. Why was he looking at his watch? Was he meant to be somewhere? Was he late? Was he early? Only the stranger knew. 'Are you sure you're alright?' questioned the driver. He got no reply, but the stranger turned to face him for the first time. The driver gasped. There were no eyes behind the glasses. In a flash, there driver saw something more terrifying than any pair of eyes could ever had been. Played out in the glasses, the driver very saw a scene unfold. A car,just like his, on a winding road, just like the one they were traveling on, crashed into a fence...just like the one they were about to hit. Suddenly, there was silence again.
The silent stranger in the blood red scarf stood in the eerie silence of the dusty track where terror grows. Beside him lay the wreck do a crashed car. Before long, a car came chugging round the bend...

C wrote:

Oh I just realised on the last sentence it says beside him lay the wreck do a crashed car and do was ment to be of.

Rhianna wrote:

I liked were you said In the eerie silence were terror grows because it sounds very creepy

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Amy p3 wrote:

In the middle of an unwanted dessert, by narrow, bumpy roads, an old, rust car fell of the mountain’s road. Like at the beginning a car came past, and also like the beginning he asked for ride. This time though, the car was new and as smooth as spreading butter.

Hannah wrote:

I like your last sentence the simile. This time though the car was new and as smooth as spreading butter.

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Joe wrote:

The mysterious man without being vocal excepted a lift off the kind hearted man. As he looked at his watch, little did the driver know his fate was over! It became clear whoever was to take a trip on that road would never leave alive. The strange looking man who appeared to be wearing magic goggles and a red blooded ninja like scarf was looking for his next victim. sadly it was the end of the road for him... victim number 3 was about to make the same mistake.

Lucas wrote:

Your vocabulary is amazing I really like red blooded ninja like scarf.

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Alice part 3 wrote:

The helpful, innocent driver looked at the mysterious hitchhiker once more, this time in his goggles he saw the future. The driver stopped... the car fell off the biggest cliff. The drivers kindness was rewarded with a tragic accident. Soon the hitchhiker would move on to his next victim.

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Erin wrote:

Suddenly,the old,worried man looked into the strangers goggles what looked like crazy,mad glasses that a scientist would were.Out of nowhere,the elderly man saw his car was a bout to fall of an edge of a steep,dangerous hill.

The elderly man was gone but the stranger was still there stood up waiting for something.Like a car.From around the corner,a blue car,which looked like the other mans car,stopped.The stranger had his covered up hand out.

Where or what happened then?

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Joel wrote:

Crash crash the car when fliying of the road

Owen wrote:

You need to add more information and put full stops at the end of your sentence.

Alice wrote:

I would put a bit more to add detail and put full stops at the end of scentences.

Amaar wrote:

You could of put exclamation marks after crash crash and you need a comma after crash crash.

Erin wrote:

You could put more detail in and on crash crash you could of done it in capital letters example.CRASH CRASH

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Megan wrote:

As the creepy man , made the nice mans car crash over a large cliff edge .

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Marcus wrote:

Crash crash the man fell of the cliff

Joe wrote:

Next time explain how he crashed and fell of the cliff.

Owen wrote:

This is good but maybe you could of put more detail into the writing and don't forget to put full stops at the end of your sentence.

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Amaar wrote:

The man looked at him and the man soon killed him.

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Dan wrote:

He turned his head. He dragged the wheel of the cliff. He fell. He yelled. He died. The man with the blood shot scarf got out the car and he held his thumb up to another car. And then...

Owen wrote:

I like your short sentences at the start as it builds the up the tention.

Harrison wrote:

I like your short sentences

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Harrison wrote:

Next thing, he rolled of the cliff boom bash clang the young put his hand out for another person to pick him up

Emma wrote:

Mabie put onomatopoeia for boom bash clang example BOOM BANG CLANG and make sure you put a full stop.

Kai wrote:

Remember full stops other than that great

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Lucas wrote:

Suddenly the man had a flashback and made the car fall of the cliff and the man in the mask jumped out the car made the man die.

Harrison wrote:

I like how you have put (suddenly the man had a flash back )

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Tom 3 wrote:

The driver turned the wheel. "Aaaa" the fence broke. The waves grabbed at him as they came closer. The driver was no more. The stranger had finished his work was done. A new unfortunate driver neared him. He had more work to do.

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Leon pt 3 wrote:

The man saw the reflection in his glasses and omg he crashed maybe that other care was the same thing too he puts his thumb out again

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Hannah pt3 wrote:

He stares into the strangers glasses, he sees the future. The old man sees that he's going to crash. All of a sudden, he crashes into the wall and bounces off the cliff. The strange man knows when to jump out the car.

In the middle of nowhere, in the middle of a desert, behind the sand dunes, a mystererious, odd man looked down at his broken, flipped over the car spinning the wheel.

Leon wrote:

I like how you did the start of your story because it repeated

Francesca wrote:

Sorry for my criticism, but on your first sentece you have put no full stop inbetween short sentences.

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